Thursday, October 7, 2010

The flowers diatribe

Yesterday was my nine year wedding anniversary. Nine years ago, I married an engineer. Actually, his degree is in Engineering and Science. He enjoyed academic torture so much, he attainted his PhD in a field called Polymer Science and Engineering. He is both an engineer and a scientist. I am making this a big point to try to preface that while others like to laugh along to the show Big Bang Theory, I am married to it. I am not complaining, I would not change my life for anything, I love my husband. He is cute, smart, a great dad, and an all around great guy. But yes, I find humor in some of the things that come with the territory of being married to, as his sister calls him, Dr. Dork.

The first is offspring. Both girls take more after Kevin than me intellectually. This summer when looking at camps I tried to get Evie to consider the really cool art camps in the area. For her age they had ceramics, painting, gardening, you name it. REALLY COOL camps. What did she chose? Math Camp. My 6 year old went to Math Camp. On her own choice. She also likes to watch Star Trek with Daddy. Any one will do, but she loves TNG with Wesley Crusher. She wants to grow up to be a Communications Officer with Star Fleet. Not joking here. At 6 I wanted to be a princess. Serena was kicked out of preschool, because she was able to outsmart and control 3 adults. I have to find humor in that now, after spending hours with psychologist and specialist because the preschool director  told  us that there had to be something wrong with a 4 year old because they were incompetent at classroom management.

Yesterday being my anniversary, I got my favorite Sheldon-esq diatribe. The Flowers Diatribe. For this rant, he was labeled temporary king of geeks. Other men have tried the Flowers Diatribe with their significant others. Most get smacked for it.

See, the Geek types have a different view of romance than the rest of the world. Where most people think romance is like movies, where a woman is wined and dined and jewelry and flowers are appropriate gifts, Geeks see things way different. Why go out when you have the Babylon 5 box set and Chinese takeout? Cuddling on the couch with sci fi is way more romantic than having to get dressed up in uncomfortable clothes, driving to some restaurant just to pay $200 for a meal? Chinese take out for 2 is under $20. That leaves $180 for either more sci fi DVDs or electronics. To a geek, romance is making sure your house has a kick butt wi fi connection and your audio system is the best on the block. They could care less about jewels. A new Ipad is a much more romantic gift in their eyes.

Flowers, well, that is a whole big story. It started when we were dating, and I love The Flowers Diatribe, so every time a special occasion comes along where non-geek male spouses would present their signifigant others with flowers, I like to bring up the idea of flowers as appropriate gifts just to hear it. Since he is on a business trip, I totally brought it up.

“Hey, Kev, Happy Anniversary!”

“Oh, yeah, it is the 6th. Happy Anniversary.”

“So, do you want to go out when we get home, I can get a babysitter?”

“Naw, that’s OK. If you want we can wait till the girls are in bed and order take out and maybe watch a few DVDs….”

“So, do I need to be home this afternoon for any deliveries?”

“Like what, did you order anything?”

“No, I was wondering if I was getting flowers for our anniversary!”


“Flowers? No, I don’t think flowers are an appropriate way to show love and affection. Think about it, I mean really. You take growing, living flowers, kill them, present them to someone. It’s saying “Hey, I like you so much I am going to give you these dead, rotting things in a pretty glass container to remind you that life is fleeting and you are fading just like the dead rotting plants I present to you!” That does not say love. Flowers are a horrible idea for a gift. Plus there is no skill in decapiting flowers. It would be more a show of manhood if I went out and killed an animal or two to lovingly provide nourishment or show strength by beheading a few enemies and presenting their heads on sticks as trophies. Those feats show affection and love, not the rotting flesh of flowers.”

It does change a little each time. Sometimes he’ll just look at me because he knows I get a kick out of his rants and he doesn’t fall for it. Sometimes he goes for the history of flowers as gifts because hygiene was sub par. I love when he does that. Esp when he adds “so if I gave you flowers, it was if I was saying you smell so bad you need to cover it up”.


  1. LOVE it! From one geek wife to another, I understand!

  2. 1. If you're going to go out and physically get roses, and they're good ones, it will hurt and blood will be drawn.

    2. Houseplants, like the amazing callas I saw at Wegmans yesterday for ~$18, aren't dead or decaying (at least at time of purchase).

    For the most part, I do agree.

  3. Hey I'm a geek and buy flowers, actually I even know erin's fav. Yellow roses with red edges.... And yes a romantic evening is going to the bostonflower show. Or spending a day at tower hill.

    Kevin 1.0
    And for the record Big Bang comes off as bunch of gay guys trying go be nerds.

  4. I love it! He's right about the flowers, they're dead. I'd prefer a plant, or chia pet. You can eat the chia pet after it grows.
    My version of a romantic evening= Nazi Zombies on the PS3